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I wanted to write this because I can’t pretend I’m living in a perfect world anymore

Why I can’t sleep?

I’m here writing this, after a period of time in bed, can’t sleep. It felt a lot of things just crawling into my mind like a flock, drives me insane………My past has made me more vulnerable, I cannot cope with the extreme amount of pain that I have, even though that my weeks has been turn for the better. I don’t know why, the past always haunts me, demanding that I surrender to the suffering that I’ve been trying to avoid all my life. I always thought alcohol is my friend, guess that leaves me just as clueless as the next guy that wreaked the entire thing, gutted. It makes me think of the craziest things, love, relationships, regrets, anything bad, my past histories.  It tells me that I can never avoid it. I never wanted to be alone, I want to talk, but my mind is as blank when I was happy, why are you doing this to me? I’m just an innocent soul, leave me alone! I don’t want to atone to the sins that I’ve done years ago,  I forgot the word…………yes, it was irrationality, everything I thought and make a decision was a blatant mistake, causing me to feel insecure and irrational………..too much things, I had another thing, identity crisis, I always tell people that I am from Hong Kong, the fact is that I was born in Canada, a problem is that I don’t know how to put it. I wanted to be simpler; I just can’t say it in front of people. I don’t listen to songs or watch TV/Movie in Hong Kong because I don’t think they’re any good at all.

I wonder if I ever found the one, it seemed to be so goddamn hard to just make it simple……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….My mind gone blank again…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….I don’t want to be lonely………………………………………………………….I felt even though I got my life in good shape, I always felt a lot of things are missing in my life. My heart starts bleeding to shreds, too much blood pouring out of the body, artery start to explode, my mind lost the battle, no more oxygen, no more reason to be happy…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I hated some of the people that I’ve been interacting in my secondary school, they’re the one causing me pain and hurt. 

THEY WERE CUNTS, THAT’S WHAT THEY WERE, CUNTS WHO JUST PEELS ME AWAY AND STRIP ME OF MY CONFIDENCE………… THE SAME PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE THE SMOOTH TALKING DIMWITS, I RATHER LET THEIR EGO KILL THEM. I WANT THEM TO TASTE WHAT I’M TASTING RIGHT NOW, MISERY AND HOPELESSNESS…………..I WANT THEM TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE THEY HAVE NEVER MET AND JUST FEEL HOW STUPID OF THEM BECAUSE OF HOW THEY JUST TEAR ME APART ONE BY ONE WAS THE MOST STUPID FUCKING THING THEY HAVE EVER DONE. THEY MADE ME THE PERSON I AM TODAY, SO FUCKING CONGRATULATIONS. 

I cannot have the ability to forgive myself, I don’t know how I’m going to make myself happy…………that could’ve been avoid, I swear! I swear that I could have done anything to protect myself, FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS MEMORY, I COULD’VE BEEN SOMEONE BETTER, I AM A BROKEN PERSON. I HATED THIS, I HATE MYSELF, I WISH MY MEMORY COULD JUST DIE LIKE A ROTTEN FOOD THROWING INTO THE GARBAGE DUMP……………..NO OTHER MEMORIES COULD RELIVE ME…….I CANNOT THINK ABOUT SOMETHING FRESH……………..ALL I BRING IS BOREDOM, I WANTED NOT TO BE THIS………………THIS SUDDEN SADNESS IS MY TRUTH BEHIND THE LENS, ALL THE THINGS THAT I EXPERIENCED, IT PUSHED ME ASIDE.

I thought I could just smile to people and say hello, but it was difficult, for me it’s just my subconsciousness 

I never know how to talk, I just wander around hoping I could just share one moment with strangers that I don’t know…………I wanted to, but there’s always something that put me off…………..I just don’t know………..anymore

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